With death, or separation, comes the livings torture of rewinding moments in life that were shared. It’s a time were we allow happy memories to flood through us and cause a painful prickling on our fingertips.
Normally we don’t allow ourselves to think back on times we had with people in our lives. We don’t sit around and replay our lives on a daily basis, we just go through the motions and continue to make memories.
However, give yourself a few minutes to think back of a few memories with some special people. Can you retrieve them without a painful emotion to stir them? What memories do you have as a child with your family, what memories do you have just with your mother, father, or siblings? They may not be all pleasant, but it’s healthy to play them back instead of waiting till the day when you can’t make any more memories with that person again.
I’ve always thought there is some purpose to why we meet each person that comes in our life. I do not mean the casual encounters where you exchange flirty glances or small talk, but the relationships you build past one week. Sometimes they become friendships, or take on a type of relationship but most of the time those people you build something with stay in your life for a long time. It becomes easy to figure out why you met those people and their purpose in your life.
However, what about those people that it just doesn’t work out with? You know that guy you were sleeping with for four months, or that girl that you were dating for a month or two, or how about that co-worker who you had lunch with everyday, but never even got a drink with. As quickly as they come into your life, they quickly left and it’s left you ever since wondering why.
Why did I meet this person? What was the point of our friendship/relationship? Why did it end so suddenly? Why don’t we even talk anymore?
The easy answer is that there is no point to anything and we just meet people daily and if it doesn’t go anywhere, you just need to deal with it and stop over analyzing. However, I don’t believe that is true. I believe that from every person, no matter the longevity of their relationship with you, teaches you something. It may not be something that is eye opening, or life changing, but when you really think about it, eventually you will find something that you learned from them. It could be something as deep as a new outlook on yourself, life, or something they said that made you change something about yourself or your life. It could also be as simple as a fun fact, something in history or maybe they taught you something about a different culture.
The point is, we learn off of each other.
However, there is another purpose of these fleeting people. I think eventually, when you combine all of them together, the collected taught thought is that we are not perfect. It’s a wake up call that not everyone is going to like you, not everyone wants to be with you and more importantly not everyone wants to be a part of your life. Swallow it down, it may be hard to face, but that’s one of the purposes.
Whatever the purpose is or isn’t, or was or wasn’t, the best thing to do is stop over analyzing it. Those people aren’t in your life for a reason, it didn’t work out for a reason, so think about that next time they pop up in your brain. Your life, in some way, is supposed to continue without them and the purpose of even meeting them has to eventually become irrelevant.
Ever since I came back from Europe I have had a new outlook on life. I have realized that I am not happy with the life path I have started to take.
I don’t feel lost on this road, but bored and depressed. This is not how I imagined my life to be, and I’m not going to settle with how things are just because I feel safe and secure. Feeling safe in my job and secure in my lifestyle isn’t cutting it because people are taking advantage of me, I’m easily stressed out and nothing I do is appreciated.
I’ll be the first to say that I’m not perfect and I like to stay humble, but when I’m working hard or putting 200% into something then don’t try to cut me down when there is a problem. Especially in the work force. If you are the owner, director or even a manager treat your employees with respect and give positive reinforcements. Don’t treat them like children if they are adults, and take time to notice the all they are putting in. After all, they are working to make you more money or to help your company advance. Yes you are paying them, but without the great workers in your company you wouldn’t have a company at all.
She was sure he didn’t love her any longer, for he never said the words anymore. He sat on the sofa and stared blankly at the screen. She couldn’t tell if he was less interested in her or in the movie. Her chin perched higher up and she watched him, watch. His pupils didn’t dilate, his lips dryly parted and his breath was steady and soft.
"Do you love me?" she asked him. His eyeballs moved slowly in her direction and squinted with displeasure.
"Seriously?" he asked her.
"Yes, I want to know if you love me, and how much…" she said letting her voice fade.
He cleared his throat, tilted his head and said, “When it rains how many raindrops fall? In the ocean, how many fish swim by? At night how many stars shine and in the day how many clouds pass by? How many snowflakes cover the tallest mountain in this world? How many drops of water fill the sea? How many tears has every human cried and how many kisses have we all shared?”
"I don’t know" she said embarrassed.
"Well, I don’t know either but I am certain I love you. I am certain that the amounts of those things are infinite, and if you combined them you would find that is how much I love you. I love you so much that the words I love you can’t even bare the weight of how much I love you."
I bet you don’t think about this even half as much as I do, but I often find myself wondering who will be your matching puzzle piece.
I wonder if she will be a past lover or friend who you grew out of touch with, who you fought with or have stopped communicating with. Maybe someday you two will bump into each other, or more realistically just say “Hey, let’s try this again.”
Perhaps your future “one” will be someone you have just currently met and is only your friend. I wonder if someday you may look at her with new eyes and see things in her you chose to ignore before. She may be the one, the one who has always been there just as someone who listens, that you chose to say “I do” too.
But more often than not I think she may be someone you haven’t even met yet. Some pretty girl out in the world who may be short, tall, latino or even asian. Who knows who she is, where she comes from, what she is like but she is probably out there.
I wonder how you two will meet and if you will be swept up right away. If you two are soul mates, shouldn’t it be that way? I question if you will love her more than you ever did me, and how she will compare to me. In your eyes she will seem better then me, but will she be hard headed like me, patient and unconditionally loving you, like me?
Sometimes when I meet women, or pass by pretty ones on the street it slips into my mind… maybe this is her, or she could be the one. I don’t mean to wonder, it just happens and I know it won’t be any of my business or concern when it happens.
I bet you don’t think about it, but I do. I think about it because I know it won’t be me that you chose.
What makes someone better then someone else? We would all like to say that it is a combination of physical, psychological and materialistic things but the reality is most people don’t think you are a better person because of all of those things.
To be better then someone else you must be of a higher quality, more desirable, more highly skilled, and more intelligent. To be brief, to be better then someone else you really need to be one thing.
I often would tell the boy (who I need to start referring to as a man, because he is transforming into one in front of my eyes) that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I didn’t take those words lightly, I meant them in every shape of the vowels coming from my voice.
Compared to other life changing events that had occurred in my life, he was the best. He was also the best person I had ever dated, the best person I had chosen to welcome into my life and the best person I had met thus far in my life. He was overall, of superior quality.
Six years later, all that above remains concrete and true.
I have met men who are more established in their lives, more secure with their jobs and own houses, and more then one car. I have met men who are more educated, they have their masters, doctrines or studied such a complex subject that when they speak I think they are speaking alien. I have met men who have more money, so much that they carry rolls of thousands dollars bills and dropping a few hundred dollars is like spending $20. I have met men that other women would proclaim are the best men out there.
But I disagree.
If you matched one of these men, and one very specific one, up against the one I love many women would chose the other man over mine. They would disregard the whole package worth, and just base it off of money and security. You may disagree (and some people should, we are all not the same) but many women care more about those two things than any other quality.
So if you look at it that way, you could say I have met guys that are better then the one I think is the best thing in my life. Hell, when I was even trying to prove a point to him, I used this example…but I’m afraid he took it the wrong way.
He may not be a millionaire and own 2 houses, 4 cars and a yacht. He may not have the money to buy me fancy clothing, or diamonds and gold but that wouldn’t matter if he did. He may not be a model, or have his masters or even talk about art with me, but it doesn’t matter.
He has the potential to be something great, and if that comes with money or not, it still wouldn’t matter.
He has the best smile I have ever had the pleasure of seeing and sometimes causing to slide on his face. He has the prettiest brown eyes that will look at you through your exterior, right into your soul, so deep that it will make you feel like you are butterfly crushing. Other than my dad, he is the most honest, hard working individual that I know. I’ve never seen him give up on anything, he sticks through it until he achieves the goals he wants. He’s strong willed, thick headed and stubborn all qualities that at times have frustrated me, but which I love. Being this way has gotten him to where he is today, and it will help him achieve his goals in life. When he wants to be, he is gentle, and compassionate to the point where he has had me thinking that he couldn’t be real. He can be so thoughtful, so kind, and so selfless. So many times, in our past, he put me first and acted on ways to make me happy. I had never had someone who wasn’t my family, do that for me before.
When he makes a mistake it sometimes takes a while for him to realize he was wrong, but once he does, he learns from it. He changes something minor in his character or life so that he doesn’t make the same mistake twice. He is control of his emotions (except maybe anger sometimes :p ) and uses logic, which helps him see things in different ways. He has disciplined himself enough so that he may enjoy life without indulging in the evil concepts of life. He never loses control of himself, he is conscious of his decisions and is proud of himself for that.
When I need him the most, even though we aren’t together, he will be there for me. He is reliable, but not dependable. He is there when he knows I need him to be, but backs off enough so that I can learn for my own and better myself. He teaches me things as simple as changing a tire but as complex as who I am on levels I didn’t realize. I can trust him with my secrets, to be serious when it’s needed and to be there. I know if we ever got into a relationship again, I could even trust him again with my heart. He isn’t revengeful, or malicious. He is understanding and I think he can help me conquer mountains in life, because he does the same thing within his own.
He is never stagnant. He is always learning, adapting and like a sponge he absorbs all there is to learn in any environment he is in. He never settles and in his life he is always looking to replace things in his life with more improved versions. Unfortunately this sometimes includes replacing me, but I wish he would see that I am improving all on my own and someday will be exactly what he is looking for. Yet, he is forward thinking, and although he lives in the moment he looks to the future and plans out subtle steps.
What makes him even better is his lifestyle. He loves life simple, and appreciates life in that way. Does he want to be rich? Yes, but not for materialistic reasons but so he can live more without worries or stresses. Even better is, he doesn’t act like he has things he doesn’t. He lives with what he has, is happy with it, but still tries to better it. I don’t think he has ever been in debt, if that matters, but more importantly he is involved with his family. He will put them before himself and they are always there in the back of his mind. He loves them, more then he has ever loved me or anyone else, and that is beautiful in itself.
He has friends that I don’t like, I think some of them are bad influences, but the more he grows the more I see him not being influenced. He isn’t afraid to take chances and he has broken out of his own shy shell. If you are part of his life, you will be lucky enough to experience how wonderful he will treat you and accept you.
He is beautiful, to the point of perfection in the sense that his flaws are even as gorgeous as his great qualities. He could have one dollar left his name, one cent, and live under a bridge for all I care and I would chose him still, every time over everyone else. He could be paralyzed, be over weight or be unattractive and I would still chose him. He could be a combination of all of those things, and I’d still chose him.
Yet, my italian stallion, little casanova is anything but those things. Even his outward appearance is as beautiful as his inside soul. I know many people as well as I know him, and still… he is the best. I have dated people after him and they don’t even being to compare.
I’m even sorry to my future boyfriends, because you have a lot to measure up to. I’ve tasted a rare breed of humanity, as sweet and decedent as the finest champagne and there aren’t many bottles of that left.
Next to anyone in this world he will always be of higher quality, and he will continue to improve himself, but if you asked me I think he is already the best.
In this moment in the dim dark we sit apart.
Our feet sit high balancing on seats like our hearts.
The movie starts as the lights shut off
and our hands meet quickly, together mixing rough and soft.
It’s in this moment, when you hug my legs to your chest,
take my hand and gently lay my head to rest
that I’m delightfully blissful.
because doing much of nothing
is what i love about summer loving.
Although we are asleep, do you think I do not notice your eyes watching my lids dream back and forth. Do you think because I am asleep I do not feel your lips whisper on my cheek or your fingers timidly trace my silhouette?
From the first time to the last time, I have noticed.
The first times you were scattered when I awoke. Your eyes would quickly close, or your hands would magnetize back to your sides. Sometimes I questioned if what I had felt and saw was reality or a delusional dream that felt real.
When we got older, and I awoke you grew bold. Slowly my eyes would open and I would see your eyes studying, watching, capturing me in deep sleep. You would smile, and I would close my eyes, letting you rape my dreams in slumber. Your hands no longer darted, but danced and found homes in the nooks of my limbs, and this is how I liked it.
Yet, you still think I do not hear you, for when I drift off you whisper to me. It’s hard, quite often, to make out all your words but they float into my dreams like ribbons going in and out of my ears. You whisper love notes I haven’t heard you speak daringly to me, soberly, for years.
If you dislike me so, why when I fall asleep in your arms do you become affectionate. Why do you keep them secret from the world, and from me, as we do our own dreams?
A genuine smile is hard to spot in an everlasting crowd of masks and frowns. Yet, there is a boy, who is growing into a man, who has a dimpled smile of genuine thoughts.
The crowd he sits with is unlike him; rambunctious, wild and daring. He is more reserved and shy, but something within him shines. I don’t know him that well, I think we’ve talked twice, but I’ve heard much about him and I wonder why.
I don’t wonder why everyone likes him, or why everyone says he is so kind. You can tell in his eyes that he is honest, and would only go out of his way to help others, not hurt. I don’t wonder why his friends are so concerned when he is upset, obviously someone so good would have people that care about him. I don’t even wonder why he sits so idly to himself, or why he’s always smiling with such bona fide care.
I wonder why he was, or still is, so sickly in parasitical love, with a girl who stamps her stiletto heel’s right through his heart, and pierces his eyes as she takes a shot and walks on by.
Many people don’t like her and it’s not hard to see why. Her laugh is cold, her looks are stone, and she hoards attention in little glittered boxes. She is loud and rude, obnoxious and cruel but the worst part is, she’s convinced she’s so smooth and cool.
And she’s got him convinced she’s a gift from our dear god when if the haze would pass, he would see she’s a curse from the devil. I’ve heard too many times the torture she’s put him through and I wonder why he doesn’t see he deserves someone so much better.
She will run to him forever, when she’s hurt, alone, or tired of being stubborn. Like a leech she will suck him dry of everything he has; mentally, emotionally, physically. She won’t stop until her selfish self has had her fill and when she’s back on her feet she will go, go running in the opposite direction of him.
Yet, after he is hollowed out and has nothing but tears and a harsh reality, he will smile his genuine smile. He will wait for her, back in the darkness of his mind, and let his thoughts of her collect like cobwebs till she returns. He will always love her, she will never love him, and there is some girl out there who is better for him.
I am afraid, they will never find each other and he will spend his life slaving away for the greedy parasite who will always leave him empty.
And we will sit here and wonder why.
I love when you find out that someone you care about and would always be there for, is a selfish prick. I mean, there are a lot of selfish people and at times you should be selfish (after all this is YOUR life, do what you want with it to advance yourself) and there are a lot of pricks out there (fuck you guys), but if you are a selfish prick, well that’s on a whole different fucked up level.
If you are a prick, you basically shouldn’t be alive. You talk shit about people, you use people and most likely you aren’t even really friends with half the people you are friends with. You only look out for yourself, and you always take advantage of others. You pur yourself first all the time and you are either mean to everyone, or fake nice.
Well… I will put up with a lot of crap because I try to be understanding of each indivuduals lives, goals and pursuits. I try to take in account their age, past experiences and really try to put myself in their shoes.
But there are some people, whom I love and now am figuring I should hate, who are selfish pricks. For example there is one person who I have always been there for, and would most likely hop in a plane and fly all the way to Australia if they lived there and needed me. I am extremely giving and they know this. They know I will always forgive them with time, or try to at least see their side.
But not this time.
I graduated from college after long years of staying up late, cramming for exams and skipping out on many experiences to get the grades I wanted. There are many people who experienced that with me, but this one person was there for all of it. Hell, I even wrote some of their papers in my “spare” time and would try to help them get through school. This person and I fought, cried, and loved all through college…yet they graduated before me. This put me in a mini depression, I wanted to graduate at the same time, but couldn’t, so this person promised that when I graduated we would celebrate together.
So here my graduation came, and went, without that person. And why? “Because I don’t like your friends”. Well really…
Today I found out that you ditched my graduation for a birthday party for a girl you talk shit about all the time. You actually talk shit all the time about ALL those people that went to the birthday party, constantly, for the past five and half years. Yet you ditched my graduation, and said to get over it FOR PEOPLE YOU DEEP DOWN SAY YOU HATE, DISLIKE AND AREN’T REALLY FRIENDS WITH.
This isn’t even the first time you have ditched me for them, and the funny thing is after you go to parties or trips with them, you talk shit about the whole experience and criticize each person and moment.
Then you apologize and say you are sorry, you shouldn’t have gone, it wasn’t fun.
Yet you did it again, and honestly it was for something that was so important to me, and you knew that. What’s worse is you said you “felt bad” for ditching my party this weekend.
So fuck you. Now I know I wouldn’t ever want to marry you. You would probably ditch our own wedding to hang out with your “friends” that you just use for your own selfish gains.